


however

by WahlBuilder



Category: Mars: War Logs, The Technomancer (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Technomancers, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Canon, Technomantic Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 00:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17632316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WahlBuilder/pseuds/WahlBuilder
Summary: After breaking the Auroran Technomancers out of their confinement in the Source, Roy tries to pull himself together.





	however

**Author's Note:**

> Continuation of [And eternal devotion (for ever and ever)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612342).

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He recalls himself slowly. It is not an easy process, it never is, and he delays as much as possible returning into his body because it is always… Always not quite right. Existing slightly to the right or to the left of himself.

I am Roy.

He doesn’t focus on his breathing: it makes matters worse with his attention flowing in and out with it.

He is wrapped in a sheet and he focuses on that: not on the feeling of it against his body, but on the _feeling_ of it, by itself. He strokes the fabric, trying to count the number of threads.

My name is Roy.

My name is…

My name…

He closes his eyes and tries to remember. Tries to reconstruct himself.

_‘You are all of your parts—but the world remembers your shape, too. Your actions, your will, your thoughts are like breath turning into wind turning into a storm on Utopia Planitia. A pebble thrown into the pond._

_‘If you ever lose yourself, child, look for the circles.’_

Their voices, calling his name, calling him back. Their touch, grounding him, leashing him.

Water slides down his spine.

He feels Sean’s approach before he sees him.

‘How are you, Roy?’

How does he politely tell Sean to fuck off? ‘Fine.’

‘Don’t lie to me.’ Sean’s voice is tense and stern. Well, then. ‘What you tried to do—’

‘I _know_ what I tried to do.’ He looks up at Sean, blinks. ‘Wouldn’t you consider it fair? One life—for all theirs, your _kin_.’

‘One life is no less than others.’ Sean pulls a chair to himself. He’s here to stay. Fun. ‘What about your trine?’

‘They are not my trine.’ He doesn’t want to be bound. He doesn’t want to be shaped by someone’s image of him, doesn’t want to be shaped by someone’s expectations.

Why didn’t they let him disappear.

‘They are, by choice, yours and theirs.’

‘I asked you,’ he growls, twisting the sheet, ‘to protect them.’

Sean huffs. ‘And you imagined they would simply walk away after you turned yourself into…’ He presses his lips together. ‘I talked with Honesty.’

Why did he even agree to get back to the Source.

‘Oh joy. Finally the both of you have someone who can keep up.’

The chair scrapes as Sean moves his feet. ‘Would you _listen_ to yourself? Stop this self-deprecation! You are no less than I!’

‘Honesty doesn’t know _me_ anymore. I’ve spent years away from the Source. They raised me telling me I am to lead, to guide people. They can’t define me. I won’t let them.’

‘And how do _you_ define yourself? A survivor, an opportunist, a murderer? _A bad man?_ ’

‘That’s enough, Sean.’

Roy startles from Tenacity’s voice. Their gazes on him… They make him want to crawl into a tight crevice. They make him want to run.

They make him want to burn everything down.

‘No,’ Sean says. ‘No, it’s not. I’m fed up, Roy, on your self-deprecation and on your running away. I _won’t_ let you steep yourself in bitterness like I did with myself. What is the second vow?’

His mouth goes dry. That shit, that _bastard_ … ‘Fuck you.’

The chair falls when Sean jumps to his feet, the air sizzling. _‘What is the second vow?’_

He closes his eyes. The whole city, the whole world pressing down on him. ‘To not leave the world,’ he whispers, ‘until every living thing is freed from suffering.’ He wets his lips but doesn’t open his eyes. ‘Please leave now. All of you. Especially you, Sean, or I’ll snap your neck.’

‘I’ll leave,’ Sean says, his field folding back into him. ‘You took your vows. Don’t forget them.’

He feels Tenacity’s hesitation, feels Innocence—always close, always…

He feels trapped.


End file.
